17 March 2009

love/hate: st. patrick's day.

reasons why hil loves st. patrick's day:

+ this is the only day of the year where i can actually do an irish car bomb and be excited about it.

+ i look good in green, which makes dressing for the festivities easy.

+ my dad's family is kind of old school north shore proud to be irish american and he's making corned beef and cabbage tonight and he's all cute about it.  i can't go for dinner, but it's sweet to see him get all excited.

reasons why hil hates st. patrick's day:

+ this is the only day of the year where i can actually do an irish car bomb and be excited about it.   (yes. i know that i wrote that twice.)

+ i will punt a small child/puppy/something else wholesome and good if i have to listen to the dropkick murphys' "shipping up to boston" or "the state of massachusetts" ONE. MORE. TIME.  i will beat a stranger into submission with my bare hands if i have to listen to them trying to wail either song on the T/on the bus/in the general vicinity of my apartment.

+ overhearing the following in line at the coffee shop, on the t, at the grocery store, and most assuredly at the bar later: "OH MY GAHD DOOD I'M SO IRISH.  I'M 110% IRISH.  110%. LIKE SO WICKED IRISH. LIKE I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO DANNY BOY AND I DRINK GUINNESSS LIKE WATER AND "BOONDOCK SAINTS" IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE DOOD AND I HAVE A SHAMROCK TATTOO FOR MY HERITAGE BECAUSE I'M SOOOO IRISH. MY LAST NAME IS Mc-/O'- SEE I'M MORE IRISH THAN YOU ARE."  you are not from ireland.  your parents were not from ireland.  i highly doubt your great great grandparents were irish, you tool.  i bet you're about as irish as i am at best, and even though i have so many freckles that it looks like someone threw mud at me through a screen door, i'm not gonna parade my "heritage" around suffolk county to impress randos and try to get laid for love of the republic.  jump off the MGH bridge, brah.  or go back to the suburbs.  i don't care.  stop existing.  you give my city a bad name.

+ nothing good can come from this holiday except for an upset stomach from corned beef and cabbage and a blistering hangover.  three years ago (when i was still in college and therefore didn't know better, c'mon), i woke up the morning after st. paddy's on a balcony in astoria with a shamrock painted on my face.  no one needs that. ever.

so, for those of you looking to avoid what's sure to be an incredibly unpleasant scenario, avoid the following bars/neighborhoods tonight:

1) faneuil hall/causeway street/the north end.  any bar (the purple shamrock, the bell and hand, kitty o'shea's, emmett's, hurricane o'reilly's) that's anywhere near faneuil hall.  this goes without saying.  any self-respecting bostonian avoids faneuil/government center like the plague anyway when it comes to nightlife and st. paddy's day is hardly the day to make this mistake.  lines, college kids and cover charges? hellllllll no.

2) landsdowne street.  do you want to get puked on by some sorority girl from one of the colleges of the fenway who can't match her brah of a boyfriend baileys shot for baileys shot? do you want to get shoved around by drunken buffoons in scally caps only to get punched in the teeth by one of them in front of the cask and flagon?  i didn't think so.

3) the intersection of brighton ave/harvard ave in allston.  i don't mind the bars in allston on the week nights when it's a bit more chill and especially during the summertime.  with that said, two that i refuse to ever go to are the kells and the joshua tree. (j-tree isn't on brighton ave, it's actually on comm, but it's close enough.)  expect to see/hear a lot of drunk girls crying on the sidewalk because the bouncers took their fake ids. 

4) southie.  don't be stupid.

whoooa.  that's a lot of saint paddy's day hate.  sorry for the negativity, guys, but i had to get it out.  should you chose to frequent one of the previously mentioned establishments this evening, get housed before you go.  it's the only way you'll enjoy it/make it out alive.

erin go bragh,